I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
