i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
