I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
