sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
