I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
