my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
