Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this boner is exhausting
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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