Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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