I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
