is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
