He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
