This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
