Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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