I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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