i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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