Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
