I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
