He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
