Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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