I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
