why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
