I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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