I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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