I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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