I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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