Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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