my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
