very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Randomize
