I want to have your abortion
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We have so much sex to catch up on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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