You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
