i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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