i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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