I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
