I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
