if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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