So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
