Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
