I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
a search helicopter?!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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