Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
