My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
