i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
