we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
