his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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