did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
