Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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