Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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