...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
