please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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