I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
