the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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