My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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