So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
