On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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