Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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